Meh. Fuck it.

22Jun09

Sometimes I think that the best option to continue living is to withdraw from other people completely. That is how I’ve been feeling for almost a week now. I don’t know why I get this feeling. Are people being too demanding on me by wanting to hang out all the time? Because if that is the case, I am disappointed in myself. If it’s something else, I might not feel as bad.

I take it out on my family more than anything, really. Lately, I’ve been really down on my mom for asking 180 questions about anything and everything. I might snap. Maybe I need to snap. Maybe if I snapped, there would be some kind of revelation, a relief of sorts that cures me of this damn feeling. It’s just that I can’t do anything else to find the relief. I hang out with the fam and they don’t seem to care, I stay in my room or the basement alone and automatically something is wrong and if I leave the house, I come home to the silent treatment or out-right rude behavior. And that’s after being hunted down and asked what I’m doing, who I’m with, and where I’m at every couple hours. I can’t win anymore and I just want out- totally and completely OUT.

I feel like Hell about everything. Life, Love, Money, Friendships… I can’t win lately, unless I’m being selfish and I’m at the gym. Somehow that’s the only acceptable location I can be. But I still get the 20 questions- how long were you there? when did you go? how many people were there? Are you sore? Was Jen with you? I don’t want to tell them anything. It drives me nuts.

And through all this frustration, I can’t even find the tears to just let it out.
Life sucks.

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12.May.2009.

12May09

I’ve been writing in a journal lately. Alright, actually, I’ve been slacking the last few days… but still, I’m not required to do it on the daily, so there. I had a thought that I wrote about in my journal that I wanted to share. See, I was sitting in my car, watching the gray clouds pass overhead with the trees bending over about 45 degrees in the wind and watching the raging, full spring river go by. And the weather changed from sunlight to hail and back in 30 minutes. And I thought about how Nature will outlive us all. If the human species were to die out, the earth were to experience some catastrophic event that wiped out all life, Nature would still rebuild itself eventually. It may not look the same or behave the same, but it’s Nature and it will always prevail. Our species could die out, but the majority of this planet could live on. I think that makes our existence seem extremely fragile.

The human species could be annihilated and Nature will live on… forever…

Feel insignificant and fragile? Doesn’t it make life feel beautiful somehow?
I think so.

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Tweakers

20Apr09

You’ve become this thing. This thing that I know. And I know it pretty well. Which means you didn’t become anything, you just tweaked yourself. For the past few years I thought you were different, unreachable and untouchable, but I was wrong. You’ve been here, just as you were there, only now you’re not mine.

And that makes me wonder if I’m still me, only tweaked. That I’m still the girl you knew and loved, just a little bit different. Of course, it’s possible that I’m not just tweaked, and that my entire engine has been replaced with a new, no, no, just a different engine. You swapped out parts, I swapped out the entire transmission. Or maybe I just have a few new parts. I can’t tell.

Ok, so, despite not knowing enough about myself and my changes, I’ve confirmed that you’ve tweaked. And those changes you made didn’t alter my view of you, but somehow my view has been altered. I’m so disconnected from the ways that used to be way too connected to you. But I’m still connected in other ways, strange ways. It’s like whatever part of myself I tweaked isn’t connect to where you’ve been tweaked. We only replaced the parts that didn’t touch each other’s parts.

Maybe you did tweak those parts in yourself though and I just can’t tell. Maybe my altered view is skewed because of whatever I changed inside myself. I blinded myself of your fundamentally altered state through tweaks in myself. But why would I do that? Why would I want to see you in the same light after all this time? Why would I tweak to change myself, but also tweak to think that you’re the same? That just doesn’t make sense.

Does anything make sense though? Any part of life? I think it’s mere chaos. Tweaking happens, but this life remains in constant chaos. The insanity has tried to change us and in many ways it has achieved it’s goal. Our tweaking isn’t by choice. Maybe we are the only constant and the world is in chaos so try as we might to be what we want, the world chooses.

we are Tweaked, but not by choice.

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Cold Bed, Lonely Heart

20Apr09

As I lay here, nearly naked in bed, alone,
I wonder if you’re thinking of me;
About the smooth skin along my side,
And the bumps of the spine down my back.

As I lay here, alone and full of desire,
I wonder if you’re as cold and lonely as me,
Alone in bed, longing to hold me,
To touch my skin and kiss my cheek.

As I lay here, I wonder if your bed is as cold and empty as mine.

Filed under: Love & Relationships, frustration, lust, poetry   |  3 Comments

The feeling in my gut.

20Apr09

Your lips on my forehead,
And I’ve got that twitterpatted,
love-sick,
butterflies
feeling.

Your fingers tips on my hips,
And I’ve got that sweat-filled,
hormones-raging,
orgasmically blissful
feeling.

A Goodbye hug in your driveway
And I’ve got that heartache,
hold-back-tears,
sorrowful
feeling.

You’re more amazing than I ever realized
and I’m just waiting for you to feel it too.

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I have this song stuck in my head…

11Mar09

ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI

On top of spaghetti,
All covered with cheese,
I lost my poor meatball,
When somebody sneezed.

It rolled off the table,
And on to the floor,
And then my poor meatball,
Rolled out of the door.

It rolled in the garden,
And under a bush,
And then my poor meatball,
Was nothing but mush.

The mush was as tasty
As tasty could be,
And then the next summer,
It grew into a tree.

The tree was all covered,
All covered with moss,
And on it grew meatballs,
And tomato sauce.

So if you eat spaghetti,
All covered with cheese,
Hold on to your meatball,
Whenever you sneeze.

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5.March.2009.

05Mar09

I think I’m understimulated, physically. I need to be touched more, hugged more, kissed more. I’m not talking sexually, because (not to be egotistical) I can get that any ol’ time I feel like it. I just need more loving, physically. I think maybe that’s the most important part of human interaction… maybe.

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Abandonment

05Mar09

My poetic side has vanished for a while, so I’m pretty sure I’m going to start rambling on about anything and everything I can find to ramble about. It doesn’t help that I gave up Myspace and Facebook for Lent so I can’t ramble on that blog where I normal would do so. Sorry to anyone my random blogs may offend. And I only mean “offend” in the way that it’s not the poetry it once was… Whatever, I’m not sorry, this is my place to internationally (galaxically? haha) scream out in agony and frustration with life as I know it.

So here it is: This week, I am lonely and feeling abandoned. I guess, honestly, I’ve been feeling abandoned since the week before my birthday. But now I’ve pinpointed the issue, which, in my world, only makes it worse. Once I know I’m having abandonment issues, they are all I think about. It’s a problem. On my birthday, it meant I ditched all of my friends so that I could drive home and sob into my pillow until 2 am. Now, two weeks later, it means I want to ditch out on going to the city that holds my soul, Boise. And I feel like I don’t have a city to call home, nor do I have the friends to call family. I feel lost I guess. For the last few years I’ve thought of Boise as the place I was meant to be that held the people who I chose to be my best friends. It’s one thing to live somewhere because it was convenient or easy, like IF, but a whole different thing to choose the place you live. Boise was freedom. IF is a trap. But this weekend, Boise feels like a mistake; It feels like rejection.

I’m moving in probably a month to the same city I once hated so much that I swore never to go back. It represents a really dark point in my life. Leaving it the first time was quite possibly the best choice I ever made. But somehow it has sucked me in again and I think this time will be different, but I don’t want to stay there. I know different people this time, and I’m in a different place with my life. A much more confusing place in life, but different nonetheless. But I’m doing it alone, just like I’ve done everything alone for the last three years. No roommate, no boyfriend, and, although I hope to be wrong, no dog. It’s my choice to move there this time and that helps the situation quite a bit. I don’t know if anyone in my life has ever understood how strongly I feel about making my own choices… and mistakes.

There is one more reason for the abandonment and lonely issue this week. And it probably contributes a lot to the heightened anxiety about Boise and my future move. And, of course, it’s a boy. Everything always seems to come down to a problem with the opposite sex for me and I honestly think that it’s because of self-esteem issues that I have, but that’s another discussion. I got into a situation that I said I wouldn’t do ever again. I became the “other girl.” I knew about it from the first day we hung out, but he said the relationship was “all but over.” I said, “Let me know when it is just plain OVER” and we got drunk and hooked up anyway. I disrespected myself and I disrespected her and he disrespected both of us twice as hard. Is this an argument against alcohol or against hanging out with boys with girlfriends? Not sure, also a discussion for another time. Anyway, so this is week three of the “affair” and he said he’d call me on sunday or monday and I haven’t heard from him (it’s wed). Two days past due doesn’t seem that bad until the “abandonment and lonely” issue is reiterated. Then I worry I made a mistake by starting to open up to him because I did and I RARELY let people in (blogging doesn’t count as “opening up”). I think opening up made me feel vulnerable and amplified the feeling of abandonment that I feel by his not calling me. It’s probably good that he doesn’t have a phone right now because I’d have called and made a huge deal out of this and really pushed him away…
Thank God for blogs?

Wow, so I feel like a big baby crying on strangers’ shoulders now and I’m going to end the entry. I don’t really think I need advice, I just wanted to write it out. So, spare me the “you-should…-s” the “cheer-up-s” and the “shouldn’t-have-slept -with-him”-s because I may not know how to fix it all, but I like to figure this shit out by myself. It’s called “learning,” right?

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Just needed to write something…

07Feb09

rachael. thinks she needs to let him go.
rachael. is a victim of recession.
rachael. is ready to give up.
rachael. lives by the river and she’ll die by the river.
rachael. digs Irish musicians, apparently.
rachael. thinks she needs to grow some balls, metaphorically speaking.
rachael. loves her dog.
rachael. has little to no willpower.
rachael. may be an alcoholic but she doesn’t care.
rachael. is going to intentionally become a smoker.
rachael. is bored. with life.
rachael. had an emotional breakdown at 2 am.
rachael. left mascara on her pillowcase from her emotional breakdown.
rachael. needs to do something with her life.
rachael. wants to mean something to someone.
rachael. isn’t very important.
rachael. sounds depressed.
rachael. likes bunnies!!
rachael. thinks she sounded fake just now.
rachael. is sick of talking about herself in third person.

Filed under: Random, Writing, frustration, life, lost, personal   |  3 Comments

Tonight

01Feb09

Let’s remember this night. Let’s remember it for it’s glory and lack of shadow. We’ll remember because I’m too drunk to type and too drunk to type and too drunk to know how to be a lady. But I am a lady. We’ll remember tonight because I came home alone and didn’t want to. We’ll remember tonight because I was respected and didn’t expect it. Because he is a gentleman and drives a big sexy truck. We’ll remember because I smiled more than I knew how. Because I had a best friend and I felt it. We’ll remember because tonight wasn’t about you, Because tonight was about me.

And because tonight…
I didn’t spend a cent.

Because tonight was just wonderful.

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