love.hate.relate.

If I carefully crafted my words onto a single spaced loose leaf sheet
would you understand how I feel?

Instead, I might carve out my fears and angers onto your skin with a knife,
You might cry out, screaming for an end to the agony.
I couldn’t stop, I wouldn’t stop because you need to experience
what I experienced.
And it’s easiest hurt the ones we love, so with that in mind,
you’ll know I won’t hold back.

The tears, the internal struggle,
the anticipation for the finale, for death, for a happily ever after.
How can we love pain like this?
You’ll love it when it’s all you know.

When I emptied my heart and soul into you,
I forgot to steal it back as I walked out the door.
The door that slammed shut, locked and whose key was thrown away.
My hopes of losing you are now overpowered by the hopes of finding myself.

I live in a tangled web of hopes, fears and failures.
Past Excursions and one night stands.
Regrets are tantamount to the bombs dropped at Hiroshima.
I’m a disaster.

It’s a scary feeling when the exact thing that you wish to escape
is the one thing you want more than anything.
And the internal struggle between want and hate ravages inside you
so you can’t hear the rationale that would end the conflict.
Peace is unreachable and I’m lost in my own mind.

alone.
exemplified by the overwhelming feeling of loneliness.
drowned out by false impressions of happiness.
sweet drugs of sugar and salt,
the guilty pleasure in family and home,
with a hint of contempt for life.
alone, but always together.

the twinge of pain that encompasses this cloud of suffering
silenced by pages and pages of children’s novels
thumbed over by so many before me.
the thoughts blazing throughout the room are not unique
nor am i.
nor are you for that matter.
it’s all been thought before and our lives have been lived before us.

we are all one
and i hate to see what i’ve become because of you.
my hope and love,
through your eyes turns to greed and loathing,
“Your death would be a blessing!” i want to scream,
but soon realize those words are more like yours than my own.
but we are all one
yet, i cannot seem to love it all the same
and i fear i’ve failed us.

Everything I feel for you has evolved into a rotting, stiff coal.
The weight of this love grew too impossible for my withering back.
When I held it alone, hoping you’d rescue my ailments, you disappeared.

You’ve lied through your teeth, the empty truth lies in your soul.
The lion in your heart contemplating the best strategy to attack.
I fought through scars and tears, and Hell-sent flames that seared.

I’ve lost, but I’m not smart enough to give up.

I wish I could make you promise
That we’ll be best friends forever.

I wish I could make you promise
That you’ll put these butterflies in my stomach
Every day
For the rest of my life.

I wish I could make you promise
To tell me the truth every single time
Even though I already know you don’t ever lie.

I wish I could make you promise
To lean on me when you are weak
Because you’re the cane I grasp when I’m crippled.

I wish I could make you promise
To cry on my shoulder
So I could understand you better.

I wish I could make you promise
To make me laugh, cry, and smile
Because you understand me better than I do.

I wish I could make you promise
To love me and no one else
Because I see a future and it’s beautifully imperfect.

But I can’t make you promise,
Because you won’t make me promise,
Even though I would in a heartbeat.

I Promise
I’ll be here forever by your side,
As a friend,
As a lover,
As anything you want,
Because, as cheesy as it sounds,
‘You complete me.’

Your presence invokes a growing flame.
I grow silent, focus on my anger
and Silently detest you.
I want to yell and kick,
Maybe even backhand you.
Because, you know something?
I’M YOUR FAMILY TOO!
I was family first, in blood, in life, in love.
And now I’ve been neglected, forgotten, and lost.
Love your ‘Steps,’
Forget your past,
I guess I never was that great anyway.

My internal strength weakens with each interaction.
It’s time to sink or time to swim.
I’ll tie an anchor to your waist,
If only to ensure my own salvation.
So many words held back, so long,
They’re Exposed now
with each salty drop of pouring tear.
They scream of wonder and amazement
At your presence being so disengaged.
Those images I had of unconditionality,
(Friendship forever,
Always,
No matter what.)
Really never existed, and they never will.
I’ve kept my thoughts locked up tight,
because
Only secrets can make these kinds of friends.
Shallow phrases and worn out hugs,
Litter this ground with filth and lies.
Find a broom,
sweep up your mess
It’s not worth my time now,
I’m spent.
Enough holding back,
I’ll stop secrets, expose it all.
Lay naked and open to your criticism.
With you, secrets had shielded me

But, now, I’m so tired of secrets.
And I’m so tired of you.

New moon,
New me.
Old tears
Run away.
Down cheeks so rosy,
Red with blood,
Down a drain
so clogged with hair
Ripped out by frustration
And
Depression, suicidal thoughts
Running through a mind so exhausted
From the everyday errands and five o’clock traffic
and the sadness exploited by loneliness
in a world that is so
run by consumerism
buying here.
There.
Everywhere.
money is a hot commodity
girls willing to sell their body
for that hot, trendy designer bag.
While the boys run around lookin for the next hot piece of ass.
Running their mouths with one-liners, and empty promises.
Compensating for lack of self esteem
With diamond rings and
“bling-bling.”

But today,
Today was a good day.
For me.
New moon,
New me.
I only wish you could observe
The world from her tear-filled eyes,
Where she envisions that no one would miss her
Because she’s just another girl
In this big old world,
Looking like that hot piece of ass
For that next fly boy.
It’s breaking her down,
And her only comfort is that she holds her life in her own hands.
And if she were ever ready to be done,
She’s the one that holds the power.
She could abandon the economic powerhouse
That binds her to domination, oppression,
And helplessness.

But today,
Today was a good day.
New moon,
New me
And thank God,
We’re living in the land of the free.

lingering, always lingering
as if it’s all waiting to hover above it’s appropriate place,
only to drop
right where it belongs.

you, always you.
and sometimes, I get the feeling that you’ve changed,
only to remember
you’ll always be this way.

I’m not disappointed.
In fact, it’s nice to know,
that I have that comfort-
you’ll never change, you’ll always be this way.
And everything falls into place time and time again.
So fitting, so real,
it’s just the way it has to be,
and the way I want it is the same as right where it belongs.

This band of everlasting influence,
that i leave, untouched, over my own head,
hovering like a halo, held up by demonic horns
Is screaming out from the depths of my heart.
The loop’s transient keeper knows nothing of it’s power,
But he holds knowledge of its monetary value.
It’s price is unbelievably underestimated,
For it holds so much sway over my emotions.
Symbolism for a death wish, a lost soul, despair, dread
and destroyed hope for the extinction of last kisses.
To hold in my possession, for all eternity,
Would be to torture a phantom of heart’s desire.

check this guy out:

Jake Tillo (Elliston) 

his music gives me goosebumps (and gives me inspiration to write) .