Abandonment

05Mar09

My poetic side has vanished for a while, so I’m pretty sure I’m going to start rambling on about anything and everything I can find to ramble about. It doesn’t help that I gave up Myspace and Facebook for Lent so I can’t ramble on that blog where I normal would do so. Sorry to anyone my random blogs may offend. And I only mean “offend” in the way that it’s not the poetry it once was… Whatever, I’m not sorry, this is my place to internationally (galaxically? haha) scream out in agony and frustration with life as I know it.

So here it is: This week, I am lonely and feeling abandoned. I guess, honestly, I’ve been feeling abandoned since the week before my birthday. But now I’ve pinpointed the issue, which, in my world, only makes it worse. Once I know I’m having abandonment issues, they are all I think about. It’s a problem. On my birthday, it meant I ditched all of my friends so that I could drive home and sob into my pillow until 2 am. Now, two weeks later, it means I want to ditch out on going to the city that holds my soul, Boise. And I feel like I don’t have a city to call home, nor do I have the friends to call family. I feel lost I guess. For the last few years I’ve thought of Boise as the place I was meant to be that held the people who I chose to be my best friends. It’s one thing to live somewhere because it was convenient or easy, like IF, but a whole different thing to choose the place you live. Boise was freedom. IF is a trap. But this weekend, Boise feels like a mistake; It feels like rejection.

I’m moving in probably a month to the same city I once hated so much that I swore never to go back. It represents a really dark point in my life. Leaving it the first time was quite possibly the best choice I ever made. But somehow it has sucked me in again and I think this time will be different, but I don’t want to stay there. I know different people this time, and I’m in a different place with my life. A much more confusing place in life, but different nonetheless. But I’m doing it alone, just like I’ve done everything alone for the last three years. No roommate, no boyfriend, and, although I hope to be wrong, no dog. It’s my choice to move there this time and that helps the situation quite a bit. I don’t know if anyone in my life has ever understood how strongly I feel about making my own choices… and mistakes.

There is one more reason for the abandonment and lonely issue this week. And it probably contributes a lot to the heightened anxiety about Boise and my future move. And, of course, it’s a boy. Everything always seems to come down to a problem with the opposite sex for me and I honestly think that it’s because of self-esteem issues that I have, but that’s another discussion. I got into a situation that I said I wouldn’t do ever again. I became the “other girl.” I knew about it from the first day we hung out, but he said the relationship was “all but over.” I said, “Let me know when it is just plain OVER” and we got drunk and hooked up anyway. I disrespected myself and I disrespected her and he disrespected both of us twice as hard. Is this an argument against alcohol or against hanging out with boys with girlfriends? Not sure, also a discussion for another time. Anyway, so this is week three of the “affair” and he said he’d call me on sunday or monday and I haven’t heard from him (it’s wed). Two days past due doesn’t seem that bad until the “abandonment and lonely” issue is reiterated. Then I worry I made a mistake by starting to open up to him because I did and I RARELY let people in (blogging doesn’t count as “opening up”). I think opening up made me feel vulnerable and amplified the feeling of abandonment that I feel by his not calling me. It’s probably good that he doesn’t have a phone right now because I’d have called and made a huge deal out of this and really pushed him away…
Thank God for blogs?

Wow, so I feel like a big baby crying on strangers’ shoulders now and I’m going to end the entry. I don’t really think I need advice, I just wanted to write it out. So, spare me the “you-should…-s” the “cheer-up-s” and the “shouldn’t-have-slept -with-him”-s because I may not know how to fix it all, but I like to figure this shit out by myself. It’s called “learning,” right?

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